The dating shame

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It no longer seems fun and frivolous but a difficult and disappointing ordeal.

I may not be the best person to make these observations since I am happily coupled up. Of course, that isn’t to say I didn’t lust/crush after certain guys, that I didn’t ask my friends to set me up with any eligible bachelors (which never happened since no one ever seems to know any eligible bachelors) and that I didn’t occasionally bitch/whine/mope/cry about being single.

Because the effect of shame often interferes with our ability to think clearly, we may experience confusion, being at a loss for words, or a blank mind.

“Man is the only animal that blushes,” Mark Twain once said.

Not enough to date, not enough to get involved, but looking in the sense of hope that one day the right guy would just come along. On the whole though, as I decided to give dating the brush-off, I focused my life on the things I wanted to do.

Instead of dealing with men and dating and all the freakin’ baggage that came with it, I wrote scripts, traveled the world, made friends, read books, went to school.

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Shame often runs our lives and undermines our relationships, but we often keep it hidden. I felt it today when my wife reminded me of something I had said to her that was unkind. I was awash in my shame, but I tried to cover my discomfort.

I knew that I was lucky to be single to be in the prime of my life and that if I wasn’t single I couldn’t possibly do half the things I wanted to if I was coupled up (at least not with my then jaded view of dating). Now I know that there are a lot of people out there who love dating for their own reasons (if not for the fact that it can be fun and it can’t hurt to meet new people).

And I’m not saying my attitude towards it is a very popular one.

“Or needs to.” He reminds us how central shame is to the human experience.

When couples come to me for counseling, they rarely mention shame as a cause for their difficulty.

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